Monday 29 October 2012

The art of public speaking ...



Many years ago a Cartford domino veteran phoned me. 'We're having a Farmers' Union do at Christmas. Can you do us a bit of a talk?' I could. 'How much will you charge us?' I quoted my going rate - about a fiver in those days I suppose. There came an agonized, agricultural, 'HOW MUCH?' and the phone went dead.
That was in March. Late in November he phoned back. 'Are we on for th' Christmas do then?' I told him we were. 'Well, think on,' he said. 'It's generally a good do so tha mon get up, get on with it, then get off so folks can get on with enjoying theirselves.'
It's probably the best advice I ever had.

Thursday 18 October 2012

Let sleeping dogs ...




Every Thursday you'll find the farmer with his cronies at the Cartford domino table. One night last winter I called in at his farmhouse and settled down by the fire with him and his lovely missis. As the wind thudded about the stout walls and moaned in the chimney, he poured me a good agricultural measure of whisky. I inhaled and sipped, savouring the malty vapours. Then I popped the half-filled tumbler on the floor by my chair whilst we talked. Minutes later I heard a noise like water gurgling down a drain. I glanced down to see the farmers dog slurping the last of my whisky. 'Hey,' I protested. 'Thy dog's just supped my whisky.'
He nodded, unsurprised. 'Aye it does. It'll go to sleep in a minute.'
And it did. 

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Bitter-sweet ...



This is a bitter-sweet time of year. The geese, those free-ranging masters of the skies, are here in force along with the less flamboyant fieldfares and redwings, all refugees from the savage northern winter. Soon after the geese arrived, the swallows and house martins headed south on the first leg of their long flight to sub-Saharan Africa. Inevitably there were casualties. Last spring, little more than a stone's-throw from the Cartford, a pair of house martins built a nest from Wyre mud and their own spit. Soon the first dapper fledgelings were on the wing. In August the second brood followed suit. Then the pair produced a third brood, but the days were shortening. The adults had an air of desperation as they ferried a constant supply of flying insects to those ever-open beaks.
By last week the youngsters were almost ready to fly – but what a cruel word is almost. Parents and siblings swooped and shrieked around the nest, urging the youngsters on, but it was too early – and already too late. On Friday, responding to a signal inaudible to man but stronger by far than the ties of kinship, the adults turned and flew away. The youngsters peered from the nest, fluttered their not quite adequate wings and cried piteously. Come the dawn they were silent.

Monday 1 October 2012

Witchett...


In late September, for the second time this year, our normally timid little Wyre swelled, roared and prowled about its boundaries, causing havoc and bringing this true tale to mind. Some 50 years ago, within shouting distance of the Cartford, an Over Wyre poultry farmer cursed impotently. The flood had drowned his entire flock and left him marooned on the roof of a hen cabin. Just then a smart young Gazette reporter came into view, rowing a boat. He wished the farmer a good morning. The farmer made no reply. Would he mind being interviewed for the paper? The farmer made no reply. Gazing around him the reporter observed that the situation was almost biblical. The farmer made no reply. 'It reminds one of Noah,' warbled the reporter.
'Who?' asked the farmer.
'Noah.You know, Noah and the ark and the dove,' said the reporter. 'You must have heard of Noah and the ark and the dove.'
The farmer shook his head. 'Nay lad. I've heard nowt. We've had no papers delivered for three days. It's these bloody floods.'